Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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