I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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