I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
