you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
