I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
