Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Randomize
