i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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