so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
then he tried to convert me to islam
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
