Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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