I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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