i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
