i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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