Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
