So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
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