then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
