How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
