im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
