Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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