The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
