I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
