dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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