Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
