I was born with a shot glass in my hand
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
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