I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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