I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
