I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
