The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
