so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
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you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
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You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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