He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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