Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
