this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
