I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
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