I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
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