I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
