My hand turned me down
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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