I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
