if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
she told me i tasted like america
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
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I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
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Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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