i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
