Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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