u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
