I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
