Your face is a jimmy john
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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