Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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