After last night, I could never be a politician.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
