How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
