Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
