Hey man sorry I got all grabby
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
