I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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