Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
