ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
