Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
