so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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