The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
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The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
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I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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