this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
