my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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