So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
