1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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