Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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