i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
